Why did you want to writeOption B?
I was really struggling.
The impetus for the book was trying to figure out how to get through that acute phase of grief.
But even more, to live with it and venture to find some meaning, some growth.
Certainly as we get older, loss is a part of our lives.
You write about fear.
How does one begin moving beyond that?
Would my son die under general anesthesia during an operation?
But I think the fear is also really rooted in isolation.
So, don’t isolate yourself after a trauma?
You have to find ways to break the isolation.
I found it very hard to tell people that I wanted to talk.
It felt like I was imposing my sadness on them.
When someone asked, “How are you?”
I kept saying “I’m fine,” and then people wouldn’t ask me any questions.
But I learned to say, “I’m actually not doing that well.”
One of the most common things about grief, about loss, about adversity, is silence.
You write about the “three P’s” that stunt recovery.
The first one is personalization: the belief that we are at fault for our losses.
Yes, these are processing traps that were identified by the psychologist Martin Seligman.
With personalization, we all blame ourselves.
I blamed myself for Dave’s death initially because I thought he had died of trauma.
He didn’t die of trauma.
He died of coronary artery disease.
And when I found that out, I blamed myself that I hadn’t diagnosed coronary artery disease.
You have to let that go.
Can you talk about that?
Even though there’s so much that’s gone wrong, there are things that are still positive.
You have to give yourself permission to notice and appreciate what’s good.
Yes, you have to really believe that it won’t feel like this forever.
