It’s A Pleasure
And cheating on my boyfriend with someone else.
Q:Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years, since I was 17.
Weve been through more than you could imagine together so many ups and downs.
Last year, I met someone else who made me feel so sexy and special.
I finally gave in and hooked up with him a few times.
It was mindblowing, even though we didn’t have sex.
Wesextand get off together on the phone sometimes.
Also, I’m a little bit in love with my best friend’s fiance.
Weve all been friends for over 10 years and he and I have always been close.
Hes a very special person to me, but we don’t see each other very often.
Whenever we do though, it still feels like were holding a candle for each other.
I’d never say anything, but I can’t help the way he makes me feel.
You describe cheating as finally giving in, as if it was inevitable.
You claim you cant help how you feel about your best friends fiance.
The truth is, youre responsible for all of this.
I understand thats hard to hear, especially when the outcome of your choices is making you unhappy.
I suspect the problem is cyclical.
You dont have the energy to cook, so you order takeout.
When youre done eating, you leave the trash on the coffee table.
The next day, however, you feel worse because your house is even messier.
Youll watch just one more episode ofReal Housewives, then clean up.
Except one becomes two, then three, and then its too late to bother.
Now, on top of everything else, your bank account is running low.
Youll never make yourself feel better this way.
I say this because what youre currently doing isnt working.
At no point in your letter did you express any contrition for your actions.
Right now, your actions are very self-centered.
Youre giving very little love to others.
Now, that may seem paradoxical!
Youre in a long-term relationship and involved with two other men.
But it doesnt sound like youre truly showing up for any of them.
To turn things around, you should probably break up with your boyfriend.
Walking away will be difficult, but its imperative.
You also need to quit speaking to the other guy.
That relationship is built around lies, which means no strong, healthy connection can come from that.
Its like trying to grow an orchid in a toilet bowl.
As for your best friends fiance, you have a lot more agency than youre giving yourself credit for.
Stop flirting; Im sure everyones picked up on it if theyre commenting.
you’re able to make a choice to treat your best friend with respect, and you should.
Change will come as you build self-esteem and become curious about what led you to this place.
Ask yourself hard questions.
Why do you choose to stay in a relationship youre not enjoying?
What are you afraid of and why?
What is the story you tell yourself about your life?
Atherapistwould absolutely help here, and I would talk to one if its at all feasible.
Im not going to lie, this wont be easy.
Taking responsibility often sucks, but youll benefit deeply.
It creates space for you to show up for both yourself and others.
It gives you the power to learn who you are and what you want.
Pretending that life is simply carrying you along keeps you eating takeout on the couch.
Its time to throw out the trash.
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