Relationships
After eight years of sex parties and swinging, I fell in love with just one great guy.
Content warning: This piece discusses emotional abuse and domestic violence.
The subject first came up after dinner in Adams apartment.
It was our second date; we hadnt even kissed yet.
He said, Theres something you should know about me.
I was like, oh God, heres the catch.
He was a psychology professor, and his study of desire had sparked an interest inopen relationships.
I felt a whole mix of emotions: dread, excitement, curiosity.
Up until then, I typically dated people for a year or two before feeling trapped and bored.
Polyamorywasnt a foreign concept to me; in college, I had a friend who briefly took it up.
I just had no idea how to explore it.
For the first year of our relationship, we were closed.
There was dim lighting, live music, and a Burning Man vibe.
What struck me is that it didnt feel that erotic.
There was another with three men doting on her.
It was a space that centered female pleasure.
For the first time, I was encouraged to be greedy.
I hadmy first threesome with two menthat night.
As I spent more time inswinger spacesand queer spaces, I really came into mybisexuality.
I saw that every womans body is different.
You hardly ever see that represented in porn.
One time, I had an experience with another woman, and she brought a toy, too.
It was so cool to see someone else who used one just like I did.
Our Dynamic Wouldve Happened Anyway
Adam and I fell in love quickly.
A year in, when we opened his side of the relationship,my struggles with jealousybegan.
I felt increasingly trapped and unhappy.
There was also a ton of emotional abuse andgaslightingand even violence.
I attempted to leave several times, and within a week, he would always pull me back in.
It was a crack in the idea that no one else would be as honest or ethical as him.
A Constant State Of Wistfulness
I met my next partner six months later.
Our relationship was also non-monogamous and also lasted for four years.
The guy Id fallen in love with broke up with me to be monogamous with another woman.
Id come during sex and then tear up afterward because I missed the other person so much.
I think not sharing that with my partner was respectful, but it created distance between us.
Shortly thereafter, he broke up with me to date someone else full-time.
What was actually right for me?
I love feeling like my romantic future isnt written but Ive also had trouble with jealousy and compartmentalizing.
My now-partners profile displayed that he was monogamous.
After we matched a year ago, he said, I saw you wrote a book about non-monogamy.
But I guess Im wondering why you reached out to me.
I told him about my history and that I was reassessing what was actually the way forward for me.
Early on, we had a lot of conversations about what kind of relationship wed have.
He wasnt necessarily closed to the idea, but he knew hed need a very strong foundation first.
Things would have to be able to evolve and change.
Am I Never Going To Kiss Anyone Else?
A month into our relationship, we went to a party together for the first time.
Part of me felt really caged, like, am I never going to kiss anyone else ever again?
Am I never going to fall in love with anyone new?
Once, I told him I thought one of his friends was cute and he took it well.
I like knowing that hes confident enough to be like, OK, thats cool.
Sometimes Ill point out women we meet and be like, Is she our crossover?
And a lot of times, hell be like, No, shes not really my jot down.
But occasionally hell say to me, Oh, what about her?
Were learning each others key in just in case we ever want to go down that road.
This has definitely been my best relationship so far in every way, including sexually.
But of course, there is less variety in terms of people.
Role play is great.
Weve done some pretending that were meeting for the first time in different scenarios.
How would we impress each other all over again?
I think its important to still have that sense of play.
If that changes, well talk about it.
I still have desires for other people.
I still fear claustrophobia.
I just know that I would be really crazy to give up the best relationship Ive ever had.
I dont have to pick a side.
For me, its about balancing the fact that people need both freedom and security.
Any compromises youre making are worth it.
