You know boundary setting is important, but how do you actually do it?
A therapist shares an easy-to-follow script so you know exactly what to say.
Here’s the playbook on how to set boundaries with anyone in your life.
What Are Boundaries, and Why Are They Important?
In essence, a boundary is a limit of what is okay and what isn’t.
I like to describe boundaries this way because while boundaries can be complex, they can also be simple.
You suggest an action movie that has a relatively intense sexual assault scene.
Your date says, “I actually don’t watch movies with intense scenes like that.
What do you think about watching _____?”
(
Boundaries don’t need to be explained, justified, or defended by you or anyone else.
When talking about boundaries, you’re also talking about respecting people’s privacy, needs, and requests.
You’re so excited to get cozy and experience this person in a new way.
While you two are picking a movie, they suggest something that has a very intense sexual assault scene.
You say, “I actually don’t watch movies with intense scenes like that.
How about we watch _____?”
Then your date says, “No, seriously, this is such a good movie!
You should give it a try, you might like it!”
See how this brushes right over the very clear boundary that you set?
They’re sneaky!)
or just go along with it two things you really don’t want to do.
Responding to the above situation with something like, “Oh!
We had talked about watchingGame of Thrones, so I thought you enjoyed that.
No worries at all, we can watch something else!
Can I ask what it is about those scenes that you don’t watch?
These are all signs that a boundary needs to be set.
As painful as change can be, is it really more painful than staying exactly where you are?
This same format can be used for really any healthy, meaningful conversation.)
This statement names the reality, or the elephant in the room aka the thing no one is saying.
Yup, you’re saying it out loud.
(If you’re having trouble pinpointing what you’re feeling, tryconsulting a wheel of emotions.)
Example 1: “I feel scared about what will happen if you keep spending money.”
Example 2: “I feel uncomfortable when you ask me about my sex life.”
This statement, the offer, is where you actually state your boundary.
or some other question asking the person’s opinion on the proposed solution or step forward.
Example 1: “I realized I need to set a boundary around how much you share with me.
I don’t want to hear about anything money-related until otherwise stated, okay?”
Does that sound like something it’s possible for you to do?”
Set that boundary and watch how beautiful your relationships will become.
So, it’s reasonable that if a boundary is a newer thing, someone may need reminding.
it’s possible for you to even follow a different version of the three-step framework above.
Can you not bring that up again?"
She’s an experienced speaker, group facilitator, and writer.
She’s worked with thousands of humans worldwide to help them scream less and screw more.
