A magnet the size of a lunchbox is sitting against the side of my head.
Im here because Ive been stuck in a severely depressed mode for a year and a half.
This has to work, I tell myself.
If it doesnt, Im out of answers.
Ive coped with depression most my adult life; despite its challenges, Ive carried on.
But when I turned 50, I began to worry more deeply about the condition and my future.
In my psychiatrists office one summer day a few years back, she asked if I had any questions.
Yes, I said.
What happens when I run out of options?
I knew that could happen.
Considering that possibility was like staring down a tunnel and not seeing a light at the end.
A small but significant percentage of men with depressionend their own lives.
I didnt want that for myself.
I had a teenage daughter.
I didnt want to let my challenges affect her and our relationship.
But when the pandemic hit in 2020, the travel stopped.
I was living alone in a small town.
Working from home, I wasnt getting out and seeing people, and my depression began to spiral.
Then, as I had feared, my meds stopped working.
What enjoyment I could still find in my life evaporated.
I always loved cooking, making up meals from scratch or re-creating dishes Id eaten at restaurants.
No dish was too intimidating.
Ive even tackled mole, the sauce from my fathers hometown of Oaxaca, Mexico.
I use chocolate, chiles and two dozen other ingredients.
Depression took that away.
I didnt have the energy to cook, or the interest.
I started eating out a lot and sleeping more eight hours at night and several hours during the day.
Contact with my daughter fell off.
I felt myself sliding deep into the dark tunnel.
My mind filled with thoughts of suicide, which led to a five-day stay in a mental health facility.
It was there that my journey into alternative depression therapies started.
A psychiatrist recommended electroconvulsive therapy, or ECT, apparently the gold standard for treatment-resistant depression.
He explained that in ECT, an electrical current is sent through the brain, triggering a seizure.
Mine lasted about 30 seconds.
Studies have shown that the procedure can change brain chemistry and effectively alleviate depression.
My personal psychiatrist thought this was a good idea.
I would stay on medication but add the brain stimulation for my suicidal thoughts.
I was anxious about having my brain shocked, but I also felt desperate enough to try.
